191: Stop Saying People Aren’t Committed - It’s Hurting Your Ministry

When people don’t show up, it’s easy to assume they don’t care. But labeling them “uncommitted” doesn’t make us stronger leaders—it just makes us bitter, burned out, and less curious. 

In this episode, we’re calling out the commitment myth that keeps showing up in church conversations—and talking about what it really means to lead with presence, hope, and agency. 

Because what we believe about people? It shows up in how we treat them.

In this episode:

• Why labeling people “uncommitted” leads to fatalism and frustration
• How our assumptions shape our actions—and our church culture
• The power of curiosity over criticism when people don’t engage how we’d like
• What it means to lead with agency, not resentment

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Transcript

Laurie Graham: 0:01

Hey, welcome to the small church ministry podcast, where we help volunteers and ministry leaders experience less stress, more joy and greater impact as we share strategies that actually do work in smaller churches. I'm your host. Laurie Graham, let's dive in. You. Laurie, hey, hey. Welcome back to the small church ministry podcast, where we not only acknowledge but we celebrate the unique ministry that's happening in small churches all over the world. We don't believe small is less, we just believe it's a specialization. So I'm Laurie, and today we are wrapping up a little series where I got to say some things that I've been dying to say out loud. This one might be one of the more important episodes in the whole series, because if there's one comment that I hear over and over again in smaller church spaces, but not just smaller churches, churches in general, but specifically in smaller churches as a response, a gripe, even sometimes a common bond in the Why am I doing this all alone? Conversation? And here's the comment, people just aren't committed anymore. Why aren't people committed? Why aren't people signing up? And that phrase that people aren't committed anymore, that's what we need to talk about, not that it's evil to say, but because it's actually hurting your ministry. It might be holding back our hearts, just that phrase of labeling people as uncommitted. Now let's pause for a minute and talk a little bit about why the mindset matters. Because if you've ever said this, people aren't committed. You're not a villain, you're just human. Maybe you've been hurt, maybe you're tired. You're probably tired you've poured your heart into something and then watched it not go the way that you want. I get it, I really do. But the second that we decide that people aren't committed, we stop being curious about them and even about ourselves. We stop looking deeper, we stop imagining new possibilities, because it's almost like we put a stop in it. Well, of course, that's not going to happen because people aren't committed because people all over the world aren't committed because parents are more committed to soccer than they are to the church, because people aren't looking to God anymore. Now we have to watch what we believe about people, and I'm also going to talk about why it's not even true these things we ascribe but we have to watch what we believe about people, because it totally shows up, not only in how we treat them, but even in how we feel about the church, about God, about our own ability to influence change. If we assume other people are uncommitted, maybe we'll stop inviting them, or maybe we'll just change how we feel about them. Maybe we'll resent them. We might even guard our hearts from them, which I see so much and without meaning to we start doing ministry with with kind of a closed off posture with more walls up than we need. So that assumption that people aren't committed, it actually changes us. It's not just a neutral fact. It changes us. And let's be honest, we really don't know why someone isn't showing up or isn't signing up, or stops coming to church or seems uncommitted. So even if people give us a reason, I want to say we don't really know if it's the real one. And I'm not saying people are lying. Okay, I'm not saying they're necessarily closed off from being truthful, but sometimes the reason we say out loud, even ourselves, isn't the depth of all there is humans are layered. We are layered people, I think of Shrek and Donkey and the layers, you know, peeling back the layers of the onions. People humans are often burnt out. We get sick, we get discouraged, we get overwhelmed, we get lonely. Sometimes we get to a place where we see people kind of quietly deciding that church isn't a safe place anymore, maybe for them, maybe for others, maybe for everyone. But the reality is is we don't know. It's always a hypothesis, and I just want you to think about it, because the reason I can tell you we don't. Know is because I've done enough study of humans, of myself, that half the time I don't even know what my own motivations are until after the fact. And I look back and go, Oh, look at how many layers are involved there. Look at how that person I thought just hurt my feelings were really just touching on something that I've been carrying a long time, or look at how my own anger probably was masking my own fear, right? So we don't even know our own motivations. Oftentimes, this is just an awareness thing. But if we don't even know our own motivations, sometimes, how could we possibly know what somebody else's motivation is? So the reality is is we're always dealing with the hypothesis, and here's the thing, we get to choose the hypothesis. We get to choose the guess. We can totally decide that other people are uncommitted. We can label society as that at large. And I just want you to think about how that affects our mood, how we show up, our actions, and maybe the thought of you know, just even considering that it might not be true, maybe that alone is going to open up a little more curiosity, a little more gentleness, a little more permission to look for some creative ideas instead of Just saying they're uncommitted. Do you see where I'm going with this? I think it is damaging and dangerous when we label other people as anything but this thing that's going around the church culture right now that they're uncommitted, I'm the committed one, but they're uncommitted. It is damaging even to ourselves. Think about all the different hypothesis we could. We could, you know, label other people as we could say, hey, they're lazy. Hmm, how does that affect me? How does that affect how I feel about them? We could decide that other people are disconnected. We could decide, how about that other people are brilliant. That hidden underneath whatever shell we see that humans are resilient, that they're creative, or that maybe they are just waiting for someone to see something in them that no one else has ever seen. So I'm getting excited just thinking about the possibilities of what I could label other people? Can you give just a little bit of space to think maybe, maybe it's not true that everybody's uncommitted, because when we think about this, we also get to consider our own influence and our own agency, meaning we have a lot of choice. We always have choice. But when we say other, they're not committed, they're not going to show up. That limits our options, because we often think, Hmm, then we got to do it all, or then the program has to stop, or then our church is going to fail or die. But what if they're not committed? Isn't even true. Okay, this assumption that other people aren't committed, which again, I've said I've heard over and over and over again in every ministry, Facebook group I've ever been a part of in many live church discussions I've been a part of in zoom calls, in conversations, this assumption that other people aren't committed anymore, or our culture is not as committed to church anymore. It doesn't just hurt the people we're labeling. It also hurts us, because it does something sneaky when we believe other people are uncommitted. It creates a little wall around my heart, around your heart. We start bracing for disappointment or even absorbing it. We start assuming, if this is a fact, then no one is going to show up in the future. We lower our expectations, but not in a healthy way, in a super self protective way, and this is when ministry starts to feel heavy and cynical and even more lonely than it did yesterday. Because when we expect people to disappoint us, we're going to find proof everywhere. Even if somebody does show up, oftentimes, we can be too guarded to receive it with joy like we're almost expecting. Yeah, they showed up once, but they're not going to do it again, or that's a fluke, and that is a hard way to live, and it is not what Jesus modeled. Now I. Realize that as a general trend, many churches are seeing people sign up less show up less. So I'm not debating the truth of it. We're not going toxic positivity. Okay, I'm just talking about not ascribing that blame or that label. So let's just play with it a little bit. What if some of the current trends we're seeing really isn't a reflection of people's commitment level, but maybe, and I'm gonna throw out a lot of different things here, maybe there's a little bit of a disconnect in maybe what we've been expecting them to commit to, maybe they're not signing up because the program doesn't fit real life anymore. Maybe they're not showing up because the vibe, the feel, the culture, feels off. Maybe they're not showing up because they don't really feel loved or connected. Maybe they seem uncommitted because they've tried it before and gotten burned or ignored or overused, not received as a friend, but received as someone who's going to do something. I have a picture in mind of myself, true story. Not all that long ago, I was in church, in a fellowship area, drinking coffee, eating probably way too much sugar, chatting with people, and someone walked up to me and said, Hey, I need you to do something for me, literally. And I turned interrupted in my thought process and this relational thing that I was having going on in my vibe, right? And I was like, I didn't say anything because I was kind of shocked, but I'm like, wow. Like, this is what we experience so often. I need you to do something for me. I need you to produce. I value what you do so much more than who you are. How often do we do that to people? But here's the truth or the trend that we're seeing, some people are less committed to church programs. But that also doesn't mean they're less committed to God, or they're less committed as a character trait. We see this now I was about to say maybe, but I'm going to say this is not a maybe. This is true. This is factual. This is coming up in interviews and in conversations. Many people today are uncommitted to a culture that feels performative. Many people today are uncommitted to shallow relationships, which they have experienced, not just at work and school, but also in the church. Many people today are uncommitted to systems that have either harmed them, or they have seen created harm through news stories, through other people's testimonies and stories. Many people today are uncommitted because they are protecting themselves, and they have a reason to do so. But this doesn't mean they're the enemy, and it doesn't mean we it's in our best interest to say people don't show up because they are uncommitted, because they lack a character trait of being committed to the church or being committed to God, or being committed to growing in their faith. We're seeing some trends that have real reason behind them and depth, but instead of getting curious about what's going on, we just say they're uncommitted, but I'm committed, but they're uncommitted, and this is why the church is struggling or not seeing the sign ups, or why we don't have volunteers. Can we just take a step back to look here. So as I am recording this podcast just an hour ago, I had a conversation with ebony Mukasa, who is speaking at our conference. Lead well in just another month or so, and we're putting together titles and topics for the conference, and we put a lot of heart into this, like we look at the needs out there, we look at what our community is facing, we look at the comments that have made. And as ebony and I were talking, one of the categories is navigating change in traditional or resistant kind of church cultures like this is an issue in the church today. It's one of the biggest topics that was popping up in our Facebook community. And she said, you know, Laurie, what I want to talk about, and we've been through so much change as a church. She's done church planning. They've done a lot of non traditional things, but she said, what we are finding is so many people out there are looking for God, they are looking for community. They are looking for real. Depth of spirituality, of relationships, of finding Jesus, but they're looking for it in a way that's conversational, less preaching and more like conversation, like let me be part of that process. Less of a traditional this is the way it always has been, and more of a looking ahead of re imagining, and so many people who have left the traditional church culture over the last decade have been labeled rebellious, and they are not rebellious. They are seeking and searching God, Jesus, the same Jesus that we follow, and they are not finding it in some traditional church cultures. Is that not so beautiful? Like I can't wait to hear her speak. I think by the time this goes live, the free tickets aren't out yet, but please watch for it. Ebony will be speaking at the lead well conference, it is for women in smaller churches, and we are going where no one's gone before. So watch for that and grab a free ticket again. I don't think they're live yet by the time this podcast goes live, but they're coming live soon. So always check back at small church summits.com or small church ministry.com we will make sure to blast it everywhere as soon as the tickets are live and it is a free conference. So anyway, let me get back to this point. Was is that what if these people that were labeling uncommitted are more committed than ever, they just don't feel welcome in that space or that spot or the way we've always done things. Why do we keep saying people aren't committed? Now I almost left this section out of the podcast. I was doing a lot of soul searching, a lot of you know, research, a lot of discussions around this topic, because it's a big one, okay? And this could get a little toe steppy, but so have the last, you know, three episodes. So we'll just keep going. When I think about why, usually the things we say are the things we do or the choices we make, there's a benefit to us. Like, that's how our brain and our body works. Like, you know, procrastination has a benefit to me, because I'm holding myself back from the fear of failure. You know, as soon as I do that thing, there's a chance I'm going to fail. Procrastination also has a benefit because, like, it lets my brain be calm, because doing new things are hard, right? It's conserving energy. So every single thing that we look at or do it has a benefit to us, because that's why we do it, right? So I thought about, what is the benefit like? What are we getting out of saying that other people are uncommitted? And I'm going to tell you what I came up with. Number one, telling, telling, you know, stating to ourselves and to other people that they're just not committed. Number one, it gives us an explanation when something flops, when something doesn't go the way we wanted it to go. Blaming other people feel safer than asking what else might be happening here. It gives us an explanation. Another thing that blaming other people for being uncommitted, does it? It protects our own ego. If other people are uncommitted, I don't have to wonder if I missed the mark, or if I could be doing something differently. I don't have to question if the event felt welcoming, or if I'm growing in leadership skills, because I'm blaming them. So it protects our ego. Another thing that blaming other people does and saying they're uncommitted, and this one's This one's tough, but it reinforces our own sense of righteousness. I'm here, I care, I serve. Why can't they? It sounds like faithfulness. Look at me over here. Hey, look, I'm a martyr. I'm doing it. Why can't you step up with me? But this is a little bit of spiritual pride in disguise. Do you see it? Another reason it feels good to say they're not committed. This is another hard one, but it gives us a reason to stop trying. If the problem is them and not me, I don't have to change anything. I can feel safe and disappointed, yes, but I can say I tried because it's their fault. Now here's the problem, if we choose that story, they are uncommitted, so I have an explanation. It protects my ego, reinforces my sense of righteousness. It gives me a reason to stop trying. If we choose that story. I lose my influence. I lose my hope. I lose being a light. I can stop showing up, thinking I'm going to make a difference, because they're the reason I can't do. There is hope here. You are a light. The brightness of the light that we shine is not dependent on other people. We've got to quit stating over and over again that it is because it is just straight up not true. Let's play it out just a little bit. If I decide that they're uncommitted, I might withdraw, I might give up, I might resent them. I might burn out. I might keep doing what I've always done, because it's not about what I do, it's about them. But what if I decide that? Well, maybe they're not uncommitted, maybe they're grieving, maybe they're hurting, maybe they're confused, maybe they're deeply committed, but to something else, maybe they're lost. Now I want to kind of nuance this just a little bit, because sometimes when we think somebody's grieving or somebody's hurting or somebody's lost, we want to fix them. Okay, that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is, what if we just decided to walk with people? It's not our job to fix them, to manipulate them, to get them to believe or do what we're doing. But I'm going to tell you, I do believe it is our job to love people, to walk with them, to do life with people, even people who aren't at the church as much as you are. What if we even decided that these other people are all brilliant and beautiful and made in God's image and had more potential than we could ever imagine? What if we decided that? And what if our role wasn't to fix them or recruit them, but to walk with them, to learn with them, to grow with them, to be their friends like Jesus. Did I quote the Scripture a lot. I no longer call you servants. I call you friends. Could we be the same? Could we strive to be like Jesus in that way I no longer call you servants, I call you friends, and my labeling you as uncommitted, it's not a real explanation. It's a hypothesis, and it's wrong, and it hurts us. Hurts us. It hurts our ministries. It holds us back. It damages our relationships. Is it true that some people might be uncommitted to church, uncommitted to God? Yeah, it could be true. You know what else could be true? The complete opposite, that they're searching, that they're hurting, that they're overwhelmed, that they're tired, that they don't feel valued, that maybe they they're just not sure yet. It could be any of those things we get to choose. We get to choose the hypothesis that we grab onto. And I'm going to tell you, we get to choose a hypothesis that might land us in a little bit of hope versus fatalism, cynicism, our own burnout. Listen, we cannot control who shows up, but we can control how we show up. We get to choose what we believe about other people, inside and outside, the church and those who were inside and now feel outside, we get to choose whether we lean in with love and compassion and empathy or we pull back with judgment and separation and self protection. We get to choose curiosity over criticism, and when we choose that the door for real connection gets open a little more every time we choose criticism or judgment. I'm going to tell you that door for connection closes little by little by little. I don't know about you, but I believe that God put us on this planet to love other people and to love Him, that's connection, agency, influence. It means that we get to decide who we want to be, even if, when other people disappoint us or don't step up up in the way that we hoped they would. And yes, we are allowed to feel hurt. We are allowed to feel disappointed. If you've heard me on other podcasts, or seen me in teaching, I am totally into leaning into our motions, going through them, processing them, because when we don't, it shuts us down. It. Get stuck, and it sneaks out little by little in ways that are not true to who God created us to be. So yes, we're allowed to feel hurt, we're allowed to feel disappointed, but we just don't have to get stuck there. We can be the kind of leader who assumes, assumes the best of everyone, even in disappointment, we can be the people who tell a better story. We can stay soft hearted even when it's hard. Now please hear me, because we do enough talk and enough teaching in small church ministry about abuse and toxic situations and bullying and, you know, like narcissistic type traits, a lot of hard things that happen in churches. Please tell me, I'm not saying we excuse bad behavior and stay in a position where we are getting bombed and destroyed. Okay, that's not what I'm saying. But when I'm talking about labeling other people as being uncommitted, this is a different thing. This is when they're not showing up. We can assume the best. We can tell a better story. We can stay soft hearted even when it's hard. That's how we lead well in small churches. Now, if you just bristled at the word lead, I try not to use it too much, because I know a lot of people don't consider themselves leaders, but to me, we all are called to be a light. We're all called to shine a light that is influence and that is leadership, whether it is quiet, a little more behind the scenes, or it's upfront. We are all influences, and this is how we influence well in small churches, by staying soft hearted even when it's hard, not through guilt, not through pressure, but through presence, through being there through purpose. That purpose isn't just about successful programs, but love and connection and relationship is more so if this hit a nerve or hit you deeply, caused you to think in a new way, maybe caused you to bristle, because you really do feel like you are surrounded by people who are uncommitted. If you do feel like this, you are not alone. We are all figuring this out together. This is the one of the beauties of our community of small churches all over the globe, there are commonalities that we feel, that we experience, whether you're in a rural church, an inner city church, a church plant, whether you're part of a multi church site and you're the small one who doesn't quite have the same resources, whether you're in a church of 40 or in A church of 200 we're all figuring this out together. But can we stop calling people uncommitted? Can we just say that we're not going to let that phrase come out of our mouths anymore. Why aren't people signing up because they're uncommitted? Can we stop saying that? Why am I serving alone because people aren't as committed as they used to be. Can we recognize that that just might, might might not be true, and leave room for some curiosity, for more hope? Let's do it. Let's change the culture. We're seeing it happen little by little. We would love for you to be part of this cultural shift that is happening in churches, and I truly believe small churches are leading the way. If this podcast made a difference to you today, made you think a little differently, brought some things up that you're like, Wow, this is something. This is something that is happening. I see it. I want to be part of the change. Would you do me a favor and share this episode with somebody at your church or maybe in another church, and just open a conversation with one other person. And please help us out by leaving a review of this podcast. Let us know what you loved about this episode, what you love about this podcast, because as those reviews, those stars, especially the written reviews, come out, especially on Apple, what happens is more people find this podcast when somebody puts in a search bar, hey, I'm looking for some solutions to small churches. Or, how do I find more volunteers in small churches? Or, why is my small church dying? What. Happens as this podcast pops up sooner for them, more people find this podcast, and more people in small churches not only find the hope that they need, but they find you. They find you and me. And 1000s of people in small churches everywhere, connecting in our free Facebook community, connecting through our website resources, connecting through this podcast, coming to our online conferences. So help them find us. Leave a review of this podcast. It really does make a difference. All right, until next week, we're launching into a different this series is done. You're not going to get to hear me anymore talking about the things that are driving me crazy, that people are seeing, we'll be launching into a different set of podcasts. So excited as we get closer to our lead well conference coming up, but until next week, keep in mind, do your best wake up in the morning and think about how you're called to be a light and do it in small ways, in quiet ways, in loud ways, with your voice, with your actions, not just on Sundays, But every day of the week. Be a light you

Unknown: 31:57

you.