141: Building Community In A Disconnected World: Why An Alone Person Is An Emergency | With Rachael Swihart

It’s not unusual to see people sitting alone in church services. It’s so common that most people think nothing of it. 

Listen into this transformative story as Rachael Swihart shares, “As a society, we are the most connected we've ever been. We're also the loneliest we've ever been. About a year ago, I had a conversation with a woman who'd been coming to our church for a while. She told me that it's hard for her to get herself to come because she's divorced and comes alone. She never knew if she'd have someone to sit with. At the time, I sympathized with her but didn't pursue a plan to help … she started coming less and less until she stopped coming all together.”

This all too common story was the catalyst to change in Rachael’s church. 

In this episode, Rachael shares simple steps we all can do to lead to change, strengthen our communities, and love more like Jesus.

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Transcript

Laurie Acker: 0:01

Hey, this is Laurie Acker, welcome to the small church ministry podcast. Hey, welcome to another episode of the small church ministry podcast. We are excited to be part of small churches because they are making an impact globally. It is so fun to get connected with other churches doing amazing things. And one thing we have talked about since we began was that we don't have to do more things to make a bigger impact. A lot of times, we're trying to add new programs. We're doing new things here and there because we want to reach more people or love people better. But the truth is is, if we take a little intention to do some things differently in what we're already doing, it can sometimes make a bigger impact than adding one more thing. So what we're talking about today is a topic we've never covered on the podcast, and honestly, most people ignore it, and it could make a significant change in your church. It's simple. We all encounter it, and instead of overlooking it and walking by, we're gonna hear from somebody who made some simple changes within her church and actually started seeing some really different results. So before I introduce our guest with you, I just wanna read what she wrote on Facebook, because this is exactly why Rachel is here with us today, because on Facebook a week ago, she wrote this as a society, we are the most connected we've ever been. We're also the loneliest we've ever been. About a year ago, I had a conversation with a woman who'd been coming to our church for a while. She told me it's hard for her to get herself to come because she's divorced and comes alone. She never knew if she'd have someone to sit with at the time, I sympathize with her, but didn't pursue a plan to help full transparency, she started coming less and less until she stopped coming altogether. While I know the responsibility for her disappearance does not lie solely on my shoulders. I was convicted by my lack of action. It sparked a change in how I do. Sunday morning, I started making a point of sitting with someone who is sitting alone, and please know that no matter what it seems like, I'm actually very introverted and have a lot of anxiety about meeting new people. But more often than not, there was more than one person sitting alone, and I have yet to master the skill of being in multiple places at once. I've shared the intentional steps I'm taking with others, and a few have started following suit. I can't tell you how cool it has been to see the result of those steps. This summer, we've witnessed some really neat connections taking place and surprise shared experiences that might not have happened if we had stayed in our bubbles of already formed connections. So regardless of what church you're at, I encourage you to adopt these rules of engagement with me. Even if you are a socially anxious introvert, you can do it scared. Chances are the person sitting alone is feeling a little scared too, and your presence may be just what they need. I cannot even tell you how inspired you all I felt by this post from Rachel. I shared it. People were sharing it everywhere, and it is a simple thing that one person in a smaller church did that's making a difference. So how do you like that intro? Rachel,

Rachael Swihart: 3:15

that was a great intro. It's better than what I could have written. Oh, wait, I did

Laurie Acker: 3:20

like you're famous, so you all this is Rachel swihart. If you follow small church ministry, you've probably read blog posts by her. She is a regular guest blogger. We love what she shares. She's spoken at our conferences. She's very active in our free Facebook community. Rachel, tell everybody where you're from, what your life is currently like, and then we'll dive into this topic.

Rachael Swihart: 3:41

Yeah, I'm from Sterling, Illinois. It's about two hours west of Chicago. I have three kids there in third grade, first grade and kindergarten. And my husband is the senior pastor of our our little church. That's that that is getting less little, but still, still fits the small church ministry mold. When we started, we had probably about 40 people average, and we're growing to about 70, and we've been able to see some really cool things as we've been doing ministry together. I am the all the hats wearers, basically whatever hat my husband's not wearing. I have a couple of those put on my own head. So I am our secretary. I lead worship, I take care of tech, I pay the bills. Stop me, if any of this sounds familiar, because I'm sure I'm not the only one in that kind of boat, but, but, yeah, we, we do a lot of ministry together. My husband and I, and we've really enjoyed doing that. So

Laurie Acker: 4:45

yeah, so good. Well, you have been a really important member of our community, and you have inspired so many people. So let's talk about this topic. When somebody is sitting alone, what you've seen, what you noticed, and I have this like pulled up next to me. I like copied it. I've I've underlined so many things that I could pull out and and one thing that I just wanted to note is that you sympathize with her like she literally told you it's hard for me to come alone. You said, I sympathize with her, but full transparency, she started coming less and less. Can you talk about how that made you feel and what you did and the responses you've taken since then.

Rachael Swihart: 5:25

Yeah, so the this woman who had been coming to our church, she she had slowly started to come less, and so I reached out to her and just said, Hey, do you want to grab dinner sometime? And so we did, and and I wanted to hear what was going on in her life, and she goes, Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't been coming to church. It's just been, it's been hard because I never know who I'm going to be sitting with, if there's anyone that's going to be sitting with me. And she was actually one who was intentional about finding other people to sit with, even, but it was getting really hard for her to have to take that initiative every week. And so she just, she stopped coming. She got tired of it, and and I would reach out for to her from time to time, and it was usually just, oh, hey, how's it going? And there would, for a while, there was that Oh, hopefully we'll be able to be, I'll be able to be back in, you know, a week or two. And then the excuses slowly just started falling off, and I stopped pushing because I recognized that I didn't listen well in the first place, and didn't I knew that she was not that. I knew that she was struggling, but I felt like I couldn't do anything about it, because, at the time, I was helping out in our tech booth. And so instead of, you know, one of the posts that I had shared, it had rules of engagement, of if you and basically introduce an alone person to someone new, and I didn't take that step at the time. I didn't say, I can't be with you because I have another responsibility, but here's someone who can, um, and so even even still,

Laurie Acker: 7:12

so I just have to say, I even love your humility as you tell the story, because, but it's so true, like this is completely common. We all have people who come alone to our churches. Sometimes we see them and they are the ones initiating, and we think, well, they're okay. Other times they look alone and we think, well, there's nothing I can do. This is a hard road, and our intention of loving people well does not always equal our impact. Because we're busier we're doing this, or we think people are okay. And I think some of that, sometimes people are okay. I think it's kind of rare, because as as you're going to talk about some things that you've done in the past, when I've experimented with things, I've been really surprised how alone people act when you say, Hey, can I sit with you? Or you want to meet with someone, when you think they're okay, and maybe they really, are really welcoming this connection. But I just want to first just say, like, there's no shame, no blame, like you did great. You know, we're all learning through it together and all of that. But I also love that you said in your post that her disappearance wasn't just solely on your shoulders because and it wasn't solely on hers. Like, that was what I picked up on your post. Like, sometimes we think people leave. They're there, they laugh, they're the ones who left. I have no responsibility, right? And I hurt for that, sometimes for the church, because I think we we could care a little. We could shoulder some of this, not all of it, but some of it. So let's talk about some changes you've made.

Rachael Swihart: 8:34

Yeah, so when I realized she wasn't coming back, and I ruminated on why she might not be coming back, and immediately realized it was because she was alone. I decided that it was a simple step that I could take to just sit with someone who's alone. I have the benefit of I lead worship, and so I'm on stage, and I get to see the entire sanctuary and can see, oh, hey, that person's alone. But it also works if I'm, you know, if I'm off staged, if I see someone coming in by themselves and sitting by themselves before the service has started, I can go sit with them. But um, so I decided that if someone is sitting alone, regardless of if they're new to the church or not, but especially if they are, um, that I would sit with them, and I would make, I made an intention of, pretty much every week, to try and sit by someone different, um, and I, because I have about 5000 jobs. It was really easy for me initially to be like, Oh, I've got a, you know, I can't sit with someone because I might get stuck in a conversation afterwards. And it was the realization of, even if I have 1000 things on my to do list, the person in front of me is more important, because they are a human being that needs a connection. And. My to do list will still be there in five minutes at the end of the service, or something. And so okay, I

Laurie Acker: 10:08

love that you said, like the person in front of me, I think sometimes that's so good to remember, like when we're looking at all the priorities we have, the person in front of you being a priority. Quite honestly, that's a shift for many people who volunteer in churches, yeah, and even if you're listening and you just take that one piece away, like it's huge, it can really transform your ministry. And again, we're not talking about doing more things or adding a program. We're talking about doing whatever you normally do, just doing it a little differently. And in this example, it's just literally sitting with somebody different, sitting with somebody who's alone, noticing who's alone. Yeah. Okay, keep going, Rachel, yeah.

Rachael Swihart: 10:46

And so I originally had just planned on sitting with new people each week, and um, then there was one Sunday where I don't remember if we didn't have any new people or or what, but I sat with a single mom who has basically been part of our church her entire life, in, you know, varying degrees of attendance and participation, but she'd been part of our church and had been attending fairly regularly at the time for quite a while, and she sat by herself every week. And so I was just like, well, there's no one. No one else is alone, so I'll go sit with her. And after the service, she just started crying, and she's like, Thank you for sitting with me. This is so it's so difficult for me to be alone, but I'm so used to being by myself that I don't know what it's like to have someone sit with me. And she just started crying because she's like, I'm alone with my kids. I'm alone when I go to work. I don't fit in very well. I'm alone, you know? She she actually recently took a not took on another job, and she's like, I'm alone at my other job too. And it's like, and she's like, Thank you for sitting with me, and it totally struck me that even those who are have been coming to our church for forever, they can still be alone, and it can still not it can still be difficult to show up.

Laurie Acker: 12:47

So Rachel, how long have you been? How long have you been at this church?

Rachael Swihart: 12:51

My husband was hired in February of 2021, but we moved to the area in May, so it's been just about three and a half years, I guess.

Laurie Acker: 13:01

And has she been there the whole time?

Rachael Swihart: 13:03

No, I mean, she had come previously, but this most recent time, she's probably been coming for close to three years at this point that it was not long after we came that she had returned. Yeah,

Laurie Acker: 13:17

so you have known her for three years. She's been part of your church community for three years. She has sat alone in your church every Sunday. She's been there for three years. After three years, you just sat with her once. You probably didn't even have much conversation because it was church. And after church, just your presence being there, she's in tears. Yes, yeah, wow. And,

Rachael Swihart: 13:44

and that was, I think that was among having the the person who had left the church because she was alone. That was probably the other Wake Up Call of Okay. Maybe some people are okay being alone, but even the ones who are presenting as fine and used to it and chose to sit alone are not necessarily okay with sitting alone. They just feel like there's no no room for them in the other pews, or that they're on the edge.

Laurie Acker: 14:13

So good, you know, this, this goes with that whole thing. If we can be in a crowd and feel very lonely. Now, if we look up the biggest epidemics these days, there's so much loneliness, like, there's feelings of being disconnected, even when we're surrounded by people. Like, I mean, I feel like that at the grocery store. I feel like that when I'm, you know, taking my car in, like I I just feel like I'm surrounded by strangers. And how sad that our churches feel like that to many. Like, if you're listening to this podcast right now, you might not be one of those people, because you got those connections. But how intro, but you might be, I mean, as a person who's gone to church alone before, right? My son has recently said, Mom, it's really hard to go to church alone. He's trying to find a new church. He's it's really hard. And I'm like, I get it. Like, I get it. But if we haven't gone to church alone for a really long time, we I think we forget.

Rachael Swihart: 15:08

Yeah, yeah. So how am I looping others in? Well, it kind of started with some of those conversations with the people who were sitting alone actually, of, hey, I'm trying to sit with others who are sitting alone. And they're like, oh, I can do that. That we have. We have a couple widows who used to kind of sit. Like, close, but not in the same pew. Some were more recently widowed than others, and then they decided to start sitting together, because they were like, Oh, well, we have this in common. And we even had, I'm trying to think of so, we had a couple that just started coming to the church, probably about a year, a little over a year ago now, and they got, they started getting really involved in the church, and and I mentioned what I was doing, and the guy was like, well, I could probably do that. The husband's, I think I could do that. And the wife is an extreme extrovert, and so she doesn't know a stranger ever. Um, well, so they there was a woman who who started coming to our church probably three months ago, and she just happened to sit right in front of this couple, and the couple decided to just strike up this conversation with her, and, um, and I don't remember what the connection was, but they found they had a mutual friend in common that they didn't realize they had, and so they were able to just kind of share this experience. Well, this woman has continued to come to our church and is going to be baptized at the end of this month. So which is, and it's even more cool because I met her brother at a different event that she wasn't at. I met her brother who goes to our sister church in another town, and he said that when he had started attending his church, she had told him, don't ever talk to me about church. And then she decided that maybe it was time to try church again, and because she was welcomed and connected and immediately connected into our community, she's going to be getting baptized and become a member of the church. So

Laurie Acker: 17:21

it was so awesome. You know, a lot of times we talk about people, you know, choosing a church or looking for churches, and they come sometimes because the worship resonates with them, or they like the pastor's sermon. But every study I've ever read is people stay because they're connected, because they have a friend, because they found a connection, they got involved, somehow, someway, and got connected. And so what you're doing is so awesome. Can we talk about your social anxiety or your introvertedness, and how this, how this plays in because I think it's a perfect example of, yeah, can do hard things.

Rachael Swihart: 17:58

We can do hard things. We really can't. Um, I have had anxiety for a long time. Um, I like things that I am I like to know what's going to happen. I am the planner. I am the one who you know when, when it's you know, this song lasts three minutes, and so then I have 30 seconds to talk, and then I have this song last this long. And I've even said it from this stage, because, again, I lead worship. I've told people from the stage like it might look like I am in my wheelhouse up here, but if you watch my hand while it's I'm singing, my hands are shaking every single week because I'm terrified and I'm just doing it scared, and I had the realization that I cannot be the only one Who's scared. I cannot be the only one who's anxious and and so one of the things that I've noticed is there has never been a single person who I've asked, Can I sit by you who's said, no, not one person has ever said, I'd rather be by myself. And that was that was kind of one of those, those things that I've had to tell myself repeatedly, is that my chances of rejection, when I offer to sit with someone, or when I ask someone if I can sit with them, are slim to none. So it

Laurie Acker: 19:28

really is that you figured out your chances of rejection. I know, yeah,

Rachael Swihart: 19:32

at social anxiety. Isn't that what everybody does? They have to know what the chances are of different things happening. So so far, it reminds me,

Laurie Acker: 19:45

there you go. 100% Yeah, 100% average, I have done ministry, you know, been involved in ministry since I was even in high school and onward. And it wasn't until about, I don't know, maybe six or eight years ago, when I read or heard somebody say that when somebody comes to church as a visitor, if they're alone, you could offer to sit with them. I've never done that. I've been in ministry for, you know, 34 years, you know. And I remember this, this woman walked in who was probably single, you know, maybe 30s. And I, I was terrified at me. I was totally terrified to walk up and say, Hey, would you like to sit with me? Or could I? Would you like me to sit with you? I think that's what I said. Would you like me to sit with you? And she, because she was walking in and just kind of looking around, and she said, Oh my gosh, yes. Please do. I could not believe it okay. I can't even tell you how many visitors I've seen come in single alone, and you make up stories in your head, right? Like they want to be left alone. They want to be anonymous. But I just sweetly said, Would you like me to sit with you? And she said, Oh yes, please do. And she her face like something relaxed in her whole body. And I was like, it's that simple, yeah. Like, Rachel, think of how much time and energy we spend coming up with new ministries. New ministry ideas. New welcome center gifts, new gifts to give visitors, new systems for this and that, and you made a huge difference in that single mom's life by sitting with her, saying virtually nothing, but sitting with her. I just think it's amazing. And I think it's very Jesus, like, don't you, I could feel like Jesus would do that,

Rachael Swihart: 21:20

pretty sure, pretty sure he sat with the lone people. Yeah. I mean, he did look up at the tree where, you know, my kids love Zacchaeus, and they would sing, Zacchaeus was a wee little man all the time. And, you know, think of that story. You know, Zacchaeus was up in the tree, and Jesus went, Hey, you're the one that I want to be with right now. And, you know, it was marginalized. He was someone that people ignored at best, and yet that was who Jesus was. Like, No, you're the one who I see and you're the one who I'm going to be with.

Laurie Acker: 21:50

So, yeah, you mentioned the rules of engagement that you had posted when you when you made this Facebook post, and I have them written down here, there were three rules of engagement. And one said an alone person is an emergency. Number two, friends can wait. And number three, introduce a newcomer to someone else. Yeah, and of those things. First off, I don't usually think of an alone person being an emergency, but it really made me think like, maybe like, or we could at least be alert to it. And then when it said, friends can wait, that's the one that really struck me, because I know a lot of us, and you mentioned it in your post too, about like, staying in our bubbles of form connection. It's really hard. You want to talk about that a little

Rachael Swihart: 22:33

bit? Yeah, I still struggle with it, because it really is. Again, with that social anxiety, it's so much easier for me to say, hey, you I know. So you I'm going to be with, and this person I don't know. So I'm going to pretend like I'm going to hope someone else can go talk to them. And it turns out, everybody else is probably also hoping someone else goes talks to them, or isn't even aware that someone, an alone person, has entered the room. And so for me, it's also, again, kind of because I and I think others feel this way too, because either you work for the church or you're very involved in the volunteering of the church. We have a long list of things to do, and a lot of times Sunday morning feels like the day to get the business done. And you know the Oh, hey, I need you to come in and do this. And I need, you know, can you do can you volunteer next week in this area or something like that? And it's like, you know what? All of that can wait because of rule number one, that there's an alone person over there, and that is the emergency right now. So I'm still working on it, because, again, with social anxiety, I like my friends that I have that know me, and it is easier to strike up a conversation with someone that I already know, but I can't make new friends, and I can't grow my circle if I'm only with the people that I already know and and I can connect with the ones that I already know during the week, I already have their cell phone numbers. I can text them anytime.

Laurie Acker: 24:11

So, yeah, yeah. I love what you said about that can wait, when you were just mentioning the emergency a minute ago. And what went through my mind was like, triage in an emergency room, yeah? And how, you know, I mean, how long you have to wait in an emergency room? Because that can wait, that can wait, that can wait. And then somebody comes in and they're, they're boosted to the front, right, and it's like, wow, how does that happen? And what? What if, in our churches, reprioritizing what could wait? And we see an alone person we think that can't wait, you know? What if? What if the other things can wait? What if running late for Sunday school can wait? What if finding that bulletin can wait? What if? What if, you know, touching base with a friend that we've already talked to, or what if that can wait? What if the person that can't wait? The emergency that can't wait is when we see somebody who's alone? Yeah?

Rachael Swihart: 25:02

Oh yeah, that the the alone, the loneliness, because it is such an epidemic in our society, it's easy to pretend like that's okay, because we see it all the time, instead of breaking that mold and saying, No, we aren't meant to be alone. Church is meant to be. Church is the people, and the people need to be the people to others and show love to others, and

Laurie Acker: 25:30

it's more uncommon. Comfortable. It's easier to hide in our ministry tasks, it's easier to hide, you know, behind the curriculum, it's easier to hide behind the coffee pot. Give me the coffee pot. You know what I mean, right? Yeah. But doing doing that harder thing that we can all do, even if we're doing it scared, is worth it, yeah? Love it. Rachel, thank you for being the example for us. Thank you for doing it scared. Thank you for coming on the podcast. Thank you for being such a huge part of our community and for everybody listening. Can we just all, like, join in this challenge and say, Hey, this Sunday, I don't care if you're listening in September or you're listening in 2026 you know, years from now, if you're listening to this podcast right now, would you just commit this Sunday to sit with somebody who's alone and then send us an email? Like, send an email to Laurie at small churchminster.com and let me know how it goes. Like, I'd love to know if you're in our Facebook community, post about it, you know. Like, people start all these challenges, right? You know, they pour water buckets over people's heads, or, you know, they do these runs and things like that, like, let's do a challenge. Like, let's sit with somebody who's alone, yep, and let's, let's share about it. I really think it could just transform so many churches and our communities. So it's true. Any final words, Rachel,

Rachael Swihart: 26:49

I did. I did actually give this challenge already too. So I, before we started recording, we had, I mentioned that we're, we're launching a recovery program. And I told everybody we had our final meeting yesterday for the recovery program. And I said, here's the deal. We're starting with dinner. You are not allowed to sit with anybody in this room. And I got deer in headlight. We'll tell everybody I'm not in charge. But I said, I know I'm not in charge, but I can't make this declaration, but I'm going to anyway. You are not allowed to sit with anybody in this room, spread out, make a new friend, introduce that person to someone else, and keep it going. And they were like, okay, we can do this. We've got it, and you can do,

Laurie Acker: 27:34

yeah? You know, we always end the podcast with my, my favorite phrase, be a light. And I don't know that there's a better way to be a light on Sunday than to sit with somebody who's alone. Yeah? So, all right, you all thanks for being with us. Rachel, thanks for listening. Wherever you're coming in from and Until next week, be a light.