129: We Can’t Love Well Without Understanding: Church Health & Community

This episode continues our series about healthy churches, starting with us as individuals and continuing into our relationships.

Too often, when we think of church success, we immediately jump to evaluating programs, attendance, and finances when the real success in our local churches is evidenced by how we love.

Learn how to grow in understanding for those the hardest for us to love - and why it matters.


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Transcript

Laurie Acker: 0:01

Hey, this is Laurie Acker. Welcome to the small church ministry podcast. Well, it's anniversary month here at small church ministry. And on the podcast this month, I'm doing a short series that really dives deep into some of my personal motivations behind why we're doing what we're doing. You're getting to hear a little bit of an inner look into some of my deepest values related to church ministry, what I see as some of the biggest struggles and how we need to do better. And the biggest struggles, in my mind, in my heart deep in my soul, are not about programs or outreach or the next best thing, or filling our calendars or even how to attract the unchurched. Because what we're talking about this month comes first, we cannot run good programs, and have healthy churches without the foundations that I'm talking about. And sadly, a good many churches these days in our modern church climate, are missing the foundation of our own individual personal health, emotional health, and the health that is reflected in our communities. We wonder why our churches aren't growing or why more people don't volunteer, or why we're losing people to other priorities or busyness. Post COVID has done a number on so many churches big and small. And to me, it's an opportunity to restart to look deeper to do things differently, to return to the foundation of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be. And we are so missing the mark. When we're busying ourselves and our hearts and our time and our money trying to grow our churches, when at the same time our core is unhealthy. Us, you me, leaders, volunteers, pastors, our councils, our teams, how we deal with conflicts, how we don't deal with conflicts. If you experience anything in the following list, these things I'm going to just straight out say these are unhealthy and they should not be things like power struggles in the church or cliques. domineering leadership, a culture of avoiding conflict or a culture of conflict, burning out volunteers, too few people doing too much. This is a sign of unhealthy bullies in the church, even if you don't consider them bullies, people who demand their own ways, and they get it because maybe they're in charge and maybe they're not splits or divisions, maybe with your whole church, yes, but also what about the splits or divisions within ministry teams, or certain ministry areas that don't like the other or they're vying for calendar dates? marginalizing people who are needy, within your congregation, often unintentionally, these are signs of unhealth when those who don't show up enough or maybe can't, or struggle to, are labeled as the consumer Christians, and there's a division between the real servants those who are committed, and those who are not committed. This is not healthy, or being secretly happy when certain people leave your church or don't join your team when there is a grievance, or because it's easier. These are not signs of healthy community or healthy offices. If you experience these things at your church, or if any of these describe maybe your church culture, maybe it's not just an individual place here or there, maybe it's kind of rampant or spreading in your church culture, we need to step back and go to the basics. So often we are seeing churches trying to invite more people to join spending effort and resources, doing outreach, expanding their programs. But what we're doing is we're inviting people in to join something that is inherently unhealthy. Because we've ignored the core as we're trying to grow or regrow, or grow to more. It's kind of like inviting people to a Thanksgiving dinner. When the family who's hosting it is combative, or divided or just off. It's inviting people to join unhealth No, thank you. It is not good. And this is not who we should be. And it starts with us as individuals and it spreads to our closest relationships, and it spreads into our church communities. And this spreads into how we teach and lead and goes outward. So this podcast episode that you're listening to right now, this is number three. Three in a series. A few weeks ago, we talked about the fact that we cannot serve well, if we are not well, as individuals, if we're reactive, if we're serving burnt out, if we have unhealed hurts if we blame others, all these are signs of not caring for ourselves. So it needs to start with us we need to be well, if we are, well, if we are biting on the vine, we're serving very differently. There is more joy, there's more service out of overflow. Instead of backing up serving, hard striving, when we feel like we're not supportive or don't have help, so we need to be well first. The second episode in the series, we talked about why we can't be well, if we don't love well, like our personal wellness is not just independent, God created us to live in community. And we also talked about the fact that love is not just a choice. It's also a feeling when we claim to love someone, but we really would rather they weren't around or we are not wishing the best for them. If our relationships are messed up, we cannot be well. There needs to be a recognition of this. God set it up this way for us to be in community. And this week, we're talking about why we can't love Well, if we don't understand well, if we can't relate to others, if others feel so different than who we are, we cannot love Well, this is almost a part two to last week. So if you did not catch last week, I really kind of pray that you would go back even to the first in this series about you can't serve well, if you're not well, and then move into you can't be well, if you don't love well, before you reach into this one. These podcasts really build on each other. Now, at the beginning, just a couple minutes ago, I listed a few things that are sadly very normal in the church, like power struggles and cliques and domineering leadership, and cultures of conflict or cultures of avoiding conflict. How about that unspoken tension, where you can tell that certain people or certain ministry teams don't like each other, but nobody really talks about it. Burning out volunteers. All these things are very normal. And let's just say it, these are pretty normal. But could we please stop reflecting what's normal? Or being okay with what's normal? Like, can we just be extraordinary churches, not ordinary. Today, we're going to talk about understanding that we can't love people if we don't understand another human being. Love is not just a command, we cannot skip this piece of understanding. We need to strive for it. Jesus examples it. When I think about how I want to feel toward people, I would like to feel love toward people, I want to want the best for them. I want to feel kindness, I want to feel compassion. I want to feel love. It's not just that we are commanded to love others. Sometimes I think we hear that commandment to love others. And we stop there. without really understanding how we can do that. One of the biggest ways the biggest house to love other people, is to understand them. Now what's more normal, is having people we don't like very much is thinking of people that we'd love to avoid. Maybe somebody who was unkind to you, maybe someone you just don't get maybe someone in your church you'd rather not sit near or someone when they're around you just feel very upset in your presence, and reactive. And again, this is normal, but we're not called to be normal. We're called to be like Christ. How can we be more like Christ, we're humans, we get hurt. We have defenses we have preferences. We get excited. When we find commonality with others, it brings us closer. Those we have less in common with it's normal to not feel the same feelings toward when we find somebody who we like the same music or we grew up in the same town there's a connection right? But to be Christ, like how is that different? I gotta be honest, I tried to think of a time when Christ walked by someone that he didn't have a lot in common with and felt indifference or ill feelings or simmering with resentment. If you think about it. Jesus Christ, the Son of God himself. He had a lot of Things that were not in common with every one he walked by. But when we look at Scripture and look at how we relate it to people, he looked at them in love and love them. He looked at them and had compassion. We don't have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses. This is throughout Scripture and he exampled it. The truth is, is we cannot love Well, if we don't understand others, if we don't understand people. We can't love well. Every week at small church ministry, my daughter will often talk about this, like the emails that we get are heavy. They're very heavy. Sometimes it's even more than you know, it's almost daily. We hear a lot about people who are hurt in the church. And I'm not saying whiners and complainers. I'm seeing people who love, love, love the church, are invested in the church, who are hurt deeply by relationships in the church, by things unsaid, probably more than even what is spoken. actions that are taken that are not taken in love. Sometimes I'm surprised that God still uses the church, as messed up as we can be. Sometimes I just shake my head sometimes I am so sad. Like how could this possibly be the church that God designed that he intended? Just this past week, I talked to yet another pastor and I want to tell you, this is not this is more common than you would imagine unless you work and serve with, with pastors in unique ministry settings. I talked with another pastor who actually use the phrase that he was cut loose from his church. A man that I know a man that I love deeply, I respect him and his family. His family is now taking time of healing away from church. It's not what happened. It's how it happened. And this is usually what it is. It's not a parting of ways that is so hurtful when there's a church split, or a pastor who leaves or a pastor who is dismissed, or a ministry leader who leaves the church, or you know, a family who leaves even quietly it's not what happened, that they left, this is going to happen people relocate people move. The bigger factor is how it happened when it is not done in love and in understanding and with empathy on all sides. I also talked to just this week, another ministry leader who is broken over a team member leaving their church because of a conflict with another volunteer. She is torn up about what to do about it. How do I step up? How do I step in? How do I respond with love. This shouldn't be happening. And I talked to another volunteer this week, who's totally overwhelmed on whether they themselves should leave their church because of the unhealthy way that complex or ignored, and relationships are being broken and people are being hurt. And it's not changing. And this is what I mean when I say it's normal, it is common. These stories are not the exception. This is not rare. This is very common. And I just want to say this too. It doesn't have to be this does not have to be common. God did not create us just to sit in commonality, we really can do better. Because I've seen the exceptions. I've seen the churches who put emotional health upfront, straight up individual in teams, they teach it they talk about it. It's part of their culture, it is possible. The church who loves well, who understands well, who disciples Well, the church who is emotionally healthy, individually and collectively. Please hear me I'm not saying perfect. But I'm saying a church like that the challenge is the norm. A church that has uncomfortable conversations that most of us would rather avoid a church that does the hard work, to live together, to grow together to move together in humility and grace. If you're listening now, and you've experienced behavior in the church that is unloving and unkind and wrong. I get it. I have to if you are listening and you have behaved in ways that are unloving or unkind in the context of the church, I get it. I have to if you're listening and this whole thing sounds foreign to you, because you've never experienced anything unkind in the church, I will say you are the exception but please keep listening anyway. Because this is very common. And yes, we are humans and we are not perfect but there is always an option. and an opportunity to repair, restore, rebuild, to find peace, to grow deeper in love, always, always individually and collectively. So what I know is this, we can do better, and we need to do better. This is for the sake of the Gospel for our witness as Jesus followers that we love better. This is more important, dare I say, than your next evangelism outreach? Because if we don't have this, right, if we are not loving well, all those efforts don't matter. Because even if people do come in, they're coming into unhealth. Think about it. If people were finding great relationships, support and love in our modern church today, health, great functioning, we would be seeing a different trend in our churches, less power struggles, less unspoken tension, better conflict resolution and rebuilding, less trying so hard to grow in number, and more growing deeper and reaching out. While valuing the community that God has already gifted us with. We would have more people happy to serve on teams and step up in leadership, because they know they'll be supported that they will be loved, that they will be set up to succeed and if they fail, that we will figure it out together. They would know this. This is why relationships are so important. Relationships are not the icing on the cake of church. They are the cake. Relationships are not the byproducts of church programming. relationships are the foundation, they are the only reason to have programming. The people are the church. So please quit programming. If your church is filled with unresolved conflict. Just stop take a break. Please quit doing any more programming. If you are overstretched if your people are burned out if that is your current church culture. Take a break from programming. Programming is not the church the people are. The Church does not exist for programs. It exists for relationships, relationships with God, yes, and relationships with each other. So let's get back to loving Well, you can't live well without understanding. If you are struggling to love someone, it is very likely that you are struggling to understand them. As we go through the rest of this podcast, I really want you to kind of to call to mind someone that you don't love. Well, now maybe you've chosen to love them, but you don't feel love toward them. You don't feel understanding, you don't feel like you have things in common. There are things about them that you don't like you really don't want them coming to your house. Think of an individual. That's where we need to start just with an individual. It might even be someone you don't know, well, you might not even know their name. They may be somebody that frequents your school or your job place. It might not even be somebody in your church, but put somebody in mind that you don't love well, because it's going to help a lot as we talk. So as I just mentioned, if you're struggling to love someone, it's very likely you're struggling to understand them. Now, you may say, Oh, I understand them just fine. They're a jerk. They're arrogant, they're proud. I understand them just fine. They're whiners, they are lazy. They are mean. And yes, they might be mean and they might be lazy, and they might be arrogant. But that is not understanding them. That's labeling them. Let me say that again. That's not understanding them. That's labeling them. Here's the thing and this is very, very true. We are all more alike than we are different. Even that person that is in your mind right now. You are more like them than you are different. The criminal, the thief, you and me. We are more alike than we are different. The sinner, the adulterer, the addict, you and me. We are more alike than we are different. The arrogant, the needy, the lazy, the hurting you and me. We are all more alike than we are different. This is exactly why you can love your childhood friend or a sibling or a relative that everyone else thinks is not likeable and not worth their time. This is why parents stand by and love their adult children who have done some pretty bad things. The reason we can love these people is because we understand them. We understand what we've what they've been through. We understand who they were before the world imprinted on them. Before they went through such and such or experienced this or that, we get them we get why they struggle. We also get why they are valuable and lovable. This is why almost every single special education teacher I know actually, every single one, I do know, every single one I know, person who works with special needs differing abilities. A very good friend is like an ASL interpreter. Everyone I know in these fields, grew up with someone in their life with differing needs a sister, a relative working at a camp, a neighbor down the street. And this is why other people respond to differing needs with fear or avoidance. Because we don't understand them. But maybe you do. Maybe you love them. Do you see, this is why people who've come out of homelessness will be moved to aid others in this area and speak as their advocates. This is why people who have come out of addiction often come to the aid befriend mentor and speak out in advocacy for those who struggle with addiction is because of understanding. Now, if that person you're thinking of that you don't understand that you don't have really warm, lovely feelings for if you think there is no way I can understand them, or forgive them or look past their faults, that you are so different. Can we just take a peek at Jesus? How different was Jesus, then everyone else walking on the planet. And still, we do not serve a high priest who is unable to empathize. A God who was tempted in all ways like us, like us, if Jesus the God of the universe, could feel in common with the leper, the thief, the broken, the hurting, the rich and the poor. So can we we are not that different. So who in your church do you struggle to love and I mean, really love, like feeling the love. I want to give you a few practical things that have helped me increase my love and understanding of people that I wouldn't naturally normally feel very connected with, or have those loving feelings toward. And I also just want to remind you why why we're talking about this because we need to do better. What if the post COVID Church crash was for this reason, that we rediscover why the church exists, to love, again, not to program. It's very easy to be distracted and even obsessed with growing numbers to keep the lights on to pay our pastors to not let our churches die out. But what if this current challenge is on purpose? To get us back to the basics, to literally come back to our first love Yes, but also returned to loving others loving others well. And as I mentioned earlier, every church is not failing. I hope you don't hear me saying that. Because I believe every church. If there are people in churches following Jesus, I believe we have love right. But there are pockets there are ways we can do better. There are pockets of people feeling unloved or being unloved or leaving unloved or not coming in for the fear of being unloved. If your church is well above this norm, that is awesome. Find the people who are missing who aren't experiencing what you're experiencing. Think of that one person you have a harder time loving. So here are five things to help us grow in understanding so that we can love better. The first thing is this. Learn more about yourself. It's true, it really starts here. If you have no understanding of yourself, you cannot understand others. If you have no empathy for yourself. You cannot have empathy for others. This is factual. This is why certain people have no compassion over other struggles they see around them because they've been through it. It's kind of like this when I was a kid I got through it. Nobody gave me any empathy. So you don't need it either. Suck it up, right. People who've come out of like pop already, they had, they had to do it all themselves. And sometimes, if you don't have empathy for yourself and what that struggle may have been, you won't have it for others. Don't ignore your responses, your feelings or your reactions. When you react to bigger and you're wondering, why did I react so big? Why is that person, its presence in the room, upsetting me, don't ignore that. seek understanding of yourself, whether that is through reading and podcasts, you know, learning more about your childhood, going to therapy, learn more about yourself, understand yourself, be curious about yourself, it really starts there. The second thing is learn more about them. Don't just don't just jump into loving them because you're commanded to learn more about them. Ask Great Questions. Let's develop relationships and not just stop at I don't like them. Learn more about them. Where did you grow up? What What was your life? Like? If they served in the military talk about it? If they were an executive talk about it, if they raise children talk about it. Sometimes we're so scared to ask questions like we're prying let this is the only way to deepen relationships with no agenda, not looking for judgment. Just get to know people better learn more about yourself and learn more about them. And the third thing I want to mention is learn more about that thing that you don't understand. That thing that makes you feel so separate from them, learn about that. Maybe they've never ever relocated and you've like hopped all over the world. Learn about what it would be like to live and grow in one place. What is it that makes you feel so separate from them learn about that thing. I have friends who don't understand church hurt I, I do. I've looked into it. I've been through it. I've you know. And so for me, I can use the term church hurt pretty loosely. I have other friends who don't like the term church hurt. They want to look at the good of the church, and there is so much good in the church. But like if you get offended by the term church hurt, just learn about it. Dive into it. If you have no compassion for pornography, addiction, learn about it. The same thing with homelessness, bad behavior, oh behaviors are really good one, youth, children, even adults, right? When people behave badly? How much judgment do we see over that? If that's one of those things for you, that keeps you back from loving someone because they behave badly or differently than you learn about that. Not to change it, not to judge it but learn about maybe why that would be or where that comes from, grow in understanding for yourself, for them. And for that thing. That that puts you at a distance that keeps you back. Maybe you maybe one of the things that hold you back is like somebody has PTSD, or somebody has childhood trauma, or somebody is very reactive and aggressive. Any of these things you can learn about these things. Narcissism gets thrown out there all the time these days. And by the way, everyone is not a narcissist. Although most people, if not all, do have narcissistic traits now and then. So if you'd like to just label that person in your church, or maybe at your workplace as a narcissist, like I don't get them, I don't like them. They're a narcissist. Learn a little bit about narcissism and where it comes from, what it stems from and why it exists. Okay, so first one was learn more about yourself. Second one was learn more about them. Third, learn more about that, that thing you don't understand. Could be autism. That's or ADHD. In our churches these days, there's so much neurodiversity. When we don't learn about it or understand it, it causes division. How sad is that before thing is this, after you've learned about yourself, learned about them and learned about that thing that makes you feel so separate. The fourth thing is consider how you are the same. Now we've none of us have been through the exact same things, the exact same parents the exact same experiences the exact same workplaces, but we have experienced the same emotions. We've all experienced rejection, fear, anger, rebelliousness. feeling vulnerable. Again, if Jesus could do it, if Jesus was had what was common to man, if he understood, we can, we're not so different. And the fifth thing I will mention is just learn more about empathy and how to practice empathy. Empathy is very different than sympathy. And it is something to practice. It is rare to meet people who practice empathy. It is also refreshing and wonderful and very freeing once you've lived in that space yourself. But a few tips on practicing empathy, as you learn. One of the first things is we've got to acknowledge that we have biases that we like to project, our biases, our thoughts, our own stuff, we have biases, we have prejudices, some of them we are aware of, and many of them are unconscious, we just need to realize we have biases. We need to value other people and their responses for what they are to be curious. Not to project our experience or what we feel or see. Don't discount other people. We need to ask questions with sensitivity. We need to be sensitive and be able to say things like, what is your experience? Not Oh, my gosh, I experienced that too. This is how I was don't do that. What is your experience? How do you see it? expressing a willingness to hear their perspective not to discount it. Learning to listen actively being present for them making eye contact, not interrupting and please, please, please not fixing. It is so easy to jump into fix it mode or encouraging mode or look at the bright side. But when we can hold space for people and just be with them, something happens. And in fact, I think that is the way we make room for the Holy Spirit in our conversations when we leave space. Now, this is going to feel strange if you're not used to it because it's not normally practice in conversation these days. We are so good at interrupting and listening just enough to be understood and know what we're going to say next. But listening with empathy, having these kinds of conversations is so freeing, and deeply constructive, and very spiritual. People who listen with empathy, Jesus followers who listen with empathy, we feel God's presence in the middle of these conversations all the time, all the time. It is a practice, start little do some research, do some of the things I mentioned here. But practice empathy. So those are the five things. Number one, learn more about yourself. Number two, learn more about them. Number three, learn more about that which you don't understand. Number four, look for how you are the same. Be curious, find what you do have in common. And the fifth thing is practicing empathy. When you do these five things, it does not mean you will be at peace with everyone, or that no one will ever leave your church or that there won't be disagreements or conflict. However, we can love well, and still end relationships and be at peace, we can love Well, while we are holding our boundaries, and still be at peace, we can love and have understanding and still leave a ministry team and yes, even a church. I am not at all stating that we should or even can reconcile or rebuild every relationship, or be close with every person we meet. But when we consider people, we can love them and feel a love and a compassion and an empathy and an understanding for them. Even sometimes, if we're at a distance, we can want the best for them. We can be sorrowful at our broken relationships, we can wish the best we can pray the best. Remember Romans 12 says if at all possible, do everything you can to be at peace with people, which means it's not always possible. But I know we can do better. I know it. We can grow in love and understanding. Maybe that person won't. But regardless you can. And you can feel at peace even when things aren't so peaceful. But it's our responsibility to steward ourselves to do everything we can. Growing and understanding is something we all can do. And we can't love well if we don't grow in understanding. Now if you are in a place where a relationship has moved from maybe being difficult to being destructive, if you cannot find a way to be at peace and be healthy where you are Whether it is because of your own woundedness, or there's because sometimes it's us. Sometimes we need to step back to take better care of ourselves. We need to be stewards of our own hearts and souls and minds and spirits. We talk so much about being good stewards of the finances God has given us or the, the gifts or the talents, how about our souls, and our hearts and our emotions are very being. Because when we are in tune with God, and on the vine, we are more free, and we are more at peace, and we are more of who God created us to be. So let's shine. At the end of every episode, I close the podcast episodes with the phrase, be a light. The truth is, is that we cannot shine the light that God intends us to shine. If we're not healthy, we can't. And we can't be healthy without good relationships. And we can't have good relationships if we're not moving toward understanding in our communities. So practice, practice some understanding this weekend. practice finding commonalities with those you think you have the least in common with, move into understanding others more. You can baby step into it, you can practice it. The more you practice, the more you will find so much goodness that you maybe never even knew was possible. Now, next week, I'll be sharing some practical skills in teaching and leading, that really does build on this past three episodes that we've done. How the biggest impact in teaching and leading is actually not in sharing what we know. But is totally linked to how well we understand those to whom we are speaking. We cannot serve well if we aren't well. We cannot be well if we don't love well. We cannot love Well, if we don't understand well. And if we are well and we love well, and we understand others, I promise you, we will teach and we will lead differently. So next week, we're talking about extraordinary leadership and extraordinary teaching for everyone. I'll talk to you soon be alive.