128: You Can’t Be Well, If You Don’t Love Well: Church Health & Loving Others

If asked to describe the church today, many people might not put “loving” at the top of their list. 

In this episode, we’re unpacking why this is and what we can do about it. 

For many churches, our efforts to do more, serve better, and meet our program goals result in neglecting the very people we’re trying to love. The best tools, strategies, and ideas only go so far.

If we’re not loving well, all the effort in the world has minimal lasting impact. 

Listen in to hear:

• Signs that what is normal in your church might need some repair and restoration
• How to know if  “constructive criticism” is actually constructive and if “speaking the truth in love” is actually loving
• That our intentions to love others don’t always match the impact of our effort (& why this matters so much)
• Why Jesus’ most overlooked response to the rich young ruler should be our norm too

Email Laurie: laurie@smallchurchministry.com
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Transcript

Laurie Acker: 0:01

Hey, this is Laurie Acker. Welcome to the small church ministry podcast. Hey, welcome to anniversary month here at small church ministry on the podcast this month is a short series that really dives deep into our motivation for building this ecosystem for small churches. Many people in small churches find us because they are looking for ideas for ways to grow their attendance for ideas on how to compete with a larger church down the street, or at least not lose all your members to them. Or maybe you're trying to recover from the COVID effect where people left and may not have returned. Or maybe you're frustrated, or stressed out with things happening in your church, or you're looking for ideas that work. And we are so happy to give you ideas because we do know what works in small churches, and the right tools and the right strategies that actually work make a difference. I have served in smaller churches for a few decades now. Small church ministry experts a fill our community. So check out our website, our Facebook community of over 10,000 people, by the way, at this point in time, are planning parties, our ministry bundles, the products we've put together with step by step systems that people rave about our conferences too. But I also need to say that there is no way we would do all the work we are doing with the financial pressure, the risks, we take the learning curve of producing conferences, running websites, keeping up with SEO and Google updates, investing in systems, we do not do this only for the joy and satisfaction of giving you great ideas. Sharing ideas is not why we exist. We're doing what we're doing. Because we want to make a difference in the lives of people way beyond ideas. But in relationships, in the small churches that dot the whole planet, actually meeting the needs of people in finding significance and belonging needs that I believe the church was created to meet, doing life together in loving relationship and community. And most churches who come to us looking for ideas, find something so much more and deeper and better. They find hope. They discover that God is already working in their small church. They shift in the way that they look for volunteers, or more importantly, why they look for volunteers. Volunteers don't exist to do ministry, they are your ministry. The 8020 rule, it's not a rule at all. It's a symptom of unhealth pastors aren't the only ones called to ministry, you as a Christ follower, you are called to ministry. These are the things that we teach. We've watched people who thought they were done with church in general get excited again. We've helped many pastors and leaders on the verge of quitting, get ignited, again, volunteers who are ready to throw in the towel, throwing planning parties instead. And watching people step up in brand new ways. This goes way beyond program ideas and curriculum choices. And what should we do next year? And what should we plan on the calendar? This is what we do. We're not just sharing ideas, we're pretty much starting a revolution, where the church puts people over programs again, where the church loves deeply, and learns how to move together as a unit, with everyone included in that movement, not just doing ministry for people or two people, but doing ministry with people. And here's the thing. One of the biggest reasons all this is not already the norm. The foundation of the problem really isn't just the systems, or only the tools or strategies or leadership skills. Those are all important. We teach these things, specific things that work in smaller churches, and we teach them well. But there's something that comes first. And it's more foundational. And that's what I want to talk about today. And if we don't fix it, it's like putting icing on a cardboard cake. It looks good. It might even taste sweet at the beginning. But under all the frosting, it is cardboard. It's not living and breathing and growing and healthy. Instead it is stale and stagnant and just not good. Because if we do all the right things, but we don't love people well, and I mean really love them. It's just not good. All our effort means nothing. Because we are called to be the church, not just program the church. So how do we be the church? How do we be the church? Well, they will know we are Christians by our love. This is how people will know you are disciples. Buy your love. Now in last week's podcast, the first in the series, I said you can't serve well, if you are not well, we talked a lot about individual emotional health. If you have not heard it, please go back and listen to that one. First. We talked about how if we are serving burnt out or with unhealed, hurts or blaming others, we are not caring for ourselves well, and we really can't serve well, if we're not well. This week, I'm adding to that message. You cannot be well, if you don't love well, we can't be well, if we don't love well. We have all sorts of Christians on the planet these days in all sorts of churches trying really well to serve and serving really hard. We are showing up. We are working hard, we are doing our best we are persevering. We are pouring ourselves out. We are serving on councils and cleaning the kitchen, doing the landscaping when no one is looking. We are teaching Sunday school, we are running teams, we are running slides, we are struggling with streaming and tech, we are working really hard. Sometimes we're not seeing the fruit of this work. Or maybe we are. But at the same time, there's something unsettling or something that just doesn't feel great in our church. And we don't know how to fix it. And at the root of it, oftentimes, we honestly aren't loving Well, we think we're loving well, but we're really not loving well. And this is epidemic in so many churches. And honestly, it's usually really subtle. And we might not even realize it. Here are some of the subtle ways it comes out. We're working hard, but we don't feel so great about the people we are working with, or maybe the people we are working for. Or maybe we don't feel so great about those people who are not showing up or bearing the weight, or carrying their share. Or maybe the people who are causing us to work so hard, or even get in our way, or we're judging those who aren't coming. Or the consumer Christians. I hate that phrase, by the way, but I hear it a lot. We judge them and we don't feel so great about them. Now, it's not like in all these things, we would say that we don't love people. Honestly, we probably would say we do love these people. We are just frustrated with them. We might not even recognize it. But do you know how many people are happy to help but are not willing to serve on a committee or a team? Like I hear this a lot, right? Well, they're willing to help but they won't step up and lead. Can I just say most of the time it is because they have had terrible experiences at the church. Even the ones who show up but won't serve any more or they did their time. For many people, it's because they've had experiences of meanness or unresolved conflict, or people have been unkind or their ideas weren't welcome or they were shut down or they were watching or involved in power struggles, or church politics. Does any of this sound familiar? Because I'm betting it does. I'm betting you have also been a receiver of this. At small church ministry, we get emails about such meanness and much meanness. pastors who are spent or feel beaten up or unappreciated volunteers who feel the same spent beat up or unappreciated. People who feel guilty because they're not doing enough but can't people feel who feel judged? For the same reasons? manipulation, a misuse of Scripture, often causing the guilt or contributing to the manipulation. And honestly, instead of wanting not to go to church or not be involved or to kind of stay back so you're not in the firing zone, right? We actually should want to be at church, because it is a safe haven from the world. Because the church should be the place where we feel the most loved the most appreciated, where we feel chosen where we feel held and protected and supported. Is that the experience for most people? Is the church that place would you describe the church as that place? I did a masterclass on conflict just this last week in the small church network group. And that's our paid membership that is filled with people who not only want to find ideas, but want to be different. We talked about conflict about Serving, well, loving Well, leading Well, this past week we talked about conflict in the church, and honestly how normal it is. If you listen to last week's podcast, we talked about how normal really should not be what we're striving for. how normal it is for people in church to struggle with burnout, over serve and be emotionally unhealthy. That's what we talked about last week to exhaust our pastors or our leaders or our volunteers or all of them, and how normal is not okay, like let's be better. And I would say the same principle is true with loving people. Well, it is normal in our churches for there to be, I don't know unresolved resentment. power struggles that are brewing unhealed conflict, people not getting along, some people marginalized while others are celebrated. Yes, this is normal, but let's not be normal. You can't serve well, if you are not well, and you cannot be well if you do not love well. This is how God set it up for us to be in community, to grow in community to serve in community, to worship in community, and in that community, to have unity. Love does not look like power struggles. Love does not look like favorites. Love does not look like cliques. Love does not look like domineering leadership or abusive type. I don't know structures. It does not look like burning out volunteers that is not love. Love does not look like bullying happening in the church. Whether it's in the children's ministry, the youth group or with the adults. Love does not look like people getting their own way because they demand it. Love also does not look like ignoring people who have needs or discarding people as though they're not worth your time, or your effort or your pursuits. It does not look like ignoring people who leave the church when there was a grievance or unkindness, because well, it's better off if they're not here. That's not love. Love does not look like discarding people who are struggling. Love does not look like not going out of your way to include others with differing abilities. That's not love. It does not look like unresolved conflicts. It does not look like doing nothing or standing by while other people are hurting or being hurt. Because you're not sure what to do. Or you're not sure that it's your place. It does not look like doing things the easy way or working with the easiest people. Love hopes love, trust, love perseveres, love protects. Love bears all things. You cannot be well, if you do not love well. So let's talk about what love really is even practically. I don't know how many times I've heard that phrase Love is a choice. Can I just say hate this phrase for a bunch of reasons. Now, yes, it is partially true. We do choose to love people. But that is not complete. I've heard way too many people say love is a choice with a scowl on their face. I am choosing to love this person. Can I just say if you actually love someone, you will feel something for them. Love is not just a choice. It also is an emotion, they go together. When you love someone, you want the best for them. You're willing to sacrifice for people you love, you have their best interest in mind. Now I'm not going to the toxic edge of giving everything up for your own health. Okay, please don't go there. But I really do believe it is a Christian cop out to say of course I love that person. Love is a choice and I choose to love them. Because God loves them. Can I just say if you love that person, it will show up in your actions. How we feel when we love a person. This is the challenge oftentimes, it's really easy to say we choose to love people. But how do you feel for this person that you are claiming to love who has wronged you? Or the one you really don't get? And you really don't even want to be around them? How do you feel for these people? We are supposed to feel love for people. This is part of love. This is part of growing in love. Let's not limit ourselves to love as a choice when deep down inside. Is anyone popping to mind? I'm just going to ask you this because I have people popping to mind because we are all on a journey of growth. But let me say this. Let's not limit ourselves to love as a choice when deep down inside. We wish that person and was not on our committee. Let's choose to grow in love. Let's not limit ourselves to love as a choice when deep down inside, we are secretly glad the person left the church, or we really don't want to serve if that person is on the team. Let's not accept that as normal. Let's choose to grow in love. And we're going to talk about that more on next week's podcast. But if we are secretly happy someone left because they were difficult or we're really glad they did not come. That's not really love, love hopes, love trusts, love perseveres. Love protects Love bears all things. It is also not love to set our volunteers up to fail to put them in situations where they're overstretched to exhaust our pastures. That's not love. The title of this podcast is you cannot be well, if you do not love well. Here's why I'm saying this God created us to be in community to learn together to do life together, we are not complete. If our relationships are not good, or are shallow or our distance we are not complete, as God's Church is God's people. So many people feel incredibly lonely today. Even if they are surrounded by people. This is an epidemic today. And the church is not an exception. The church could be stepping up into this. But it often does not. If you do not feel lonely or have never experienced that. I absolutely guarantee that people in your church feel that way. There are people in your church who feel lonely. Sometimes they are your leaders. Sometimes it is your pastor. Sometimes they are the ones who are serving and over serving, they are everywhere in all places, and they feel deeply lonely. Sometimes they are your core volunteers. Very often, people who feel lonely, or the ones a little on the margin, or the ones feeling as though they are marginalized. They don't really feel welcome. They don't really matter. Maybe they're a little bit needy. Maybe they struggle with mental illness. Maybe they are widows or singles or the working mom who doesn't fit in with your homeschoolers feeling terribly lonely. Maybe they are the blue collar workers who miss church and don't come regularly because of shift work. And because they're exhausted. Maybe the ones who feel feel lonely are the ones struggling with hidden addictions, who don't feel worthy enough to join the small groups, because they don't fit in. And their stories are not welcome. And if their stories are even shared, they are met with judgment or shock. Or like people ignoring them because it's uncomfortable. People in your church who feel lonely might not bring a lot to potlucks. Or they might be the ones who bring lots to the potlucks. They might be the kids, the children who show up to Sunday school on occasion, and feel bad when they do because they haven't won all the Bible bucks. Because the kids don't win the Bible books are those who come every week with great parents. They're the ones who get to accumulate all the prizes. And maybe the children who feel lonely are the ones who are coming every week. This all hits on the fact that that we're not really great at loving people. Today. We have gotten really great at serving or working really hard and being industrious and having grit and developing resilience. That people who feel lonely might be the ones not picked to serve on the worship team. Or they might be the ones who are. Your church has tons of lonely people on the inside and even more on the outside. Now I'm not trying to throw shame on anyone. But I would like to raise this awareness. We could love better all of us, including myself. loving others isn't just for them. As I mentioned, it's for me too, and for you. Because how do we feel when we don't when we're not filled with love for others? It's not a good feeling. It affects our heart, and it affects our service. Why am I saying this? Why am I talking this? Why am I spending an entire podcast on this? You cannot serve well if you are not well, and you cannot be well if you don't love well. So all the skills, all the ideas, all the great programs, the things that we teach. They don't matter if we don't have this in place. This comes first. This is priority. Maybe it's in tandem. Maybe we are learning to love well while we are learning new skill and practicing new things, but it doesn't come without the other. I think for today I really just want to say we can do better we can love more. When the rich young man that had that huge conversation with Jesus, one of my favorite verses in the Bible in that story was when Jesus looked at him and loved him. That's what Scripture says. Jesus looked at him and loved him. Now I can be imagine being in that frustrating conversation. This guy just doesn't get it. How many times do I have to explain it? This needy guy is taking up my time, he is not willing to do what it takes. He is not stepping up. This is an interruption. Jesus looked at him and loved him. It wasn't that Jesus looked at him full of frustration, gritting his teeth, thinking that we are commanded to love. So by golly, I'm going to love this guy, love his choice. I choose to love this guy who is a bother and maybe is not very bright. No. Jesus looked at him and loved him. I truly believe this would start a revolution on the planet. If everyone who loved Jesus even just a little bit, if we could just look at people and love them. If we never did another program, if we never had great Sunday school curriculum, if we never had a building, if we couldn't pay our pastor, if we could look at people and love them, filled with compassion, understanding how much more we are alike than different. Can you imagine? Could we please just start doing this better in our churches, myself included? I work on this too. You cannot serve well, if you are not well, and you can't be well, if you don't love Well, I can't end this episode without addressing the phrase speaking the truth in love just for a quick minute. This statement, in my opinion is overused. Often in the church, and by Jesus followers, and often falsely, it is used to make us feel better about causing people pain. Oftentimes, I was just speaking the truth in love. Someday, I will do a podcast episode on Matthew 18, and how wrongly that can be used in church discipline. But I can't end this episode without talking about constructive criticism, or speaking the truth in love. These phrases are so often deceptive and weird, and usually not true. If you're saying it was constructive criticism, let's just talk about this constructive criticism, for it to be constructive would need to be constructive. If you construct something, you build it constructive criticism builds up another person. Now, I'm not questioning your intentions, you could intend to be constructive. But if the impact is not what you intended, it wasn't constructive. Constructive criticism is not constructive. If it doesn't build someone. This is the difference between the intention and the impact. And intent does not always equal impact. This is one thing in the church that really speaks to how well we love people. When we do this so poorly, but claim that we're doing it well. What matters more than your intent? Is the impact. What if I told you that I constructed this great tower with Legos? Like I made I built this great Lego tower, I constructed this amazing thing, come and see it. And you come to see it and you see a pile of Lego pieces. Like it looks more like I destroyed something, then build something. And you're like, wait a minute, you didn't construct anything? And I'm like, no, no, I did. I constructed this huge LEGO tower because I followed that what I was going to do, this was my intention. I made a plan. This is what I wanted to do. It just wasn't received really well by the Lagos. Do you see what I'm talking about? Like our criticism or our speaking the truth and love can actually destroy people, even with the best of our intentions, and we justify it instead of seeking to repair it. Sometimes we intend things and it doesn't land well. We have a choice to repair things. But when we use this phrase, I was giving constructive criticism, but apparently they can't take constructive criticism that is not loving. The same with speaking the truth in love. If you're speaking the truth in love, that shouldn't land like judgment, shame, dislike, being not accepted, being ridiculed being put down, speaking the truth and love doesn't result in that. Most likely you have been on the receiving end of this, of someone telling you something, stating their goal that I'm saying this in love, or I'm saying this to build you up and maybe it did not feel that way. If you have been on the receiving end of this, I am so sorry I hurt for you. And I hurt with you. I have been there too many times. I've been on the receiving end of this. And I've also caused it. And I truly do not believe we need to feel a bunch of shame over this. But we need to not let it sit. That is not loving. I have friends who don't like the term church hurt. They think the term church hurt is terrible. And it's putting things on the church and the church is a place of love. Now, I just want to say the real definition just means that hurt happened in the context of the church. This is a reality, we need to stop denying that hurt happens in the church it does. Love is when we work to reconcile and repair and rebuild together. Every single day we choose every encounter, we choose to love. Yes. And love also involves our emotion. It's not just controlling our behavior. It's choosing to look on people, and to see what Jesus sees and to love them. Every cashier at the store every person on the street, every individual in our household, every person we walked by every person in our church, not just to choose to love them as though it is a command and a half to but to choose to look on them and see what Jesus sees, to choose to look at them and love them. And if a we the church can't even love people in the church, like what hope is there. Can you imagine if we could switch the normal from I don't want to be involved at church. I've been hurt at church, church politics, church cliques, unresolved disagreements, the guilt of not doing enough. The judgment of not being enough involved or showing up consistently enough. Can you imagine if we could switch that normal? Because that isn't normal? Can we imagine if we could switch that normal to oh my gosh, I love going to church. I love being at church. I love serving a church. Church is a place where I feel seen. I feel loved I feel included. People notice me not just with a high but a How are you a real How are you I want to hear your stories you are missed. If the norm at church was feeling I am wanted, I trust these people, I trust them with my story. I trust them to have my best interest in mind. I trust them to not betray me to not discard me to want me. And if you are hearing this, and if you think that is what church is like, to me, that is great. Can I say you are the exception? That everyone does not feel that way about church? What could we do? To love them better? How about this? Wouldn't it be great just to know that you are chosen at church like that people would choose you pick you to be on their team? I have flashbacks of junior high coming at me right now when I was never picked for anything. I was the last person picked my by pink sweatpants Right? Like who's gonna pick me? But wouldn't it be cool if people at our churches felt chosen? Not only do I love you, but I pick you I choose you. Jesus did that. You cannot serve well, if you are not well, and you cannot be well if you do not love well. Next week, we'll talk about how to love people that seem hard to love. You can't love Well, without understanding. If you are a regular listener of the podcast, would you please shoot me an email because I would love to know how these episodes are landing with you. I know it's a departure from our idea and solution sharing. We're taking time this month to dive deep into why we do what we do here at small church ministry. And I'd love to hear from you. You can email me at Laurie at small church ministry.com. We'll drop it in the show notes too. I answer all my emails I'd love to hear. We're talking about the values that drive our effort. The reason we sing because here's the thing. Do you remember that worship song from a few decades ago, the heart of worship, the lyrics at one point where and when the music fades and all is stripped away. And I simply come wanting just to bring something of worth that will bless your heart Jesus. Here's the thing. It's not just about music, all the programs, the bells, the whistles, the effort, the curriculum choices, the building committees, the meetings, the mission statements, the planning and the producing what is left when all of that is stripped away. If we are not loving the people around us if we don't feel love for the people around us, if we let conflict remain aggressive behavior, reign, power struggles. If there's favoritism, if there are people that we marginalize and often this is unintended, I want to say that it is often unintended but we do need to do better. If we are unkind to our pastor or our pastor is unkind to our leaders, here's the thing. The other stuff, the programs, the ideas, the leadership skills. If love is not there, it does not matter. As I mentioned earlier, very likely you have been on the receiving end of hurt in the church. And if you're anything like me or other humans, you have also caused hurt in the church, whether unintended or unaware or intentionally. Let's not go into a spiral of shame or a spiral of accusation or blame, or building walls or shutting down lets us do better. Remember Jesus, Jesus looked at him and loved him. Jesus looks at you and loves you. And me too. We are His Beloved. We are chosen and dearly loved. He picks us. Unbelievable, isn't it? That he picks us? So how are your relationships? How much frustration? Do you hold any bitterness? How about that person you'd rather avoid? Or maybe things that have been left unsaid or unresolved? Have you let injustices go unaddressed? Have you stood by and allowed hurtful behavior? You've seen it and not spoken for the weak or the defenseless? Have you participated in it? No shame is needed but repair might be. Repair is always available. Repair, rebuilding, restoring, that's what got that's who our God is. So let's keep learning. Let's keep doing better. Next week, we'll talk about how we can't live well without understanding. I've got some practical steps to grow in that understanding questions to ask even some journaling prompts for you as well. Until next week, be like